Relationships…
Many people look for the one as long as life endures. They dream to build (even immediately start) perfect relationships.
People seeking for love and acceptance tend to believe that, at a certain conscious or subconscious level, finding the one will instantly satisfy all their needs. Everything they saved up and put away for later for half (or even the whole) of the life will be instantly realized. And additionally to the relationships, there will be perpetual bliss, where all their desires and dreams will come true in an eye blink. You don’t have to change anything, sacrifice anything, adjust, or reach an agreement.
There is the illusion that relationships are a winy dance of two people drinking in the holy drink of joy, bliss and pleasures. There is no time, no sorrow, no suffering, no pain. A kind of eternal paradise …
On the one hand, a perfect partner becomes an idol for which there is already a pedestal decorated with roses. On the other hand, it is a future slave, faceless and insensitive object without own desires, impulses, emotions and conditions. Oh, too often analysands tend to deny that this ‘other person’ is a partner: not their mom or dad. That he/she is full of joys and sorrows. This is a full set accompanied by bonuses, in particular, own processes, anxieties, injuries and worries. That at some point this person will also need (when he begins to drown in himself/herself) a helping hand, assistance to get rid of anxiety and move forward. This is not a one-way street case.
Forgive me, I stretch too far, but often it seems to me that way … that there is a search for a perfect object, a slave, and not a partner.
In such cases, people do not understand that relationships are not a bed of roses. They require work. They simply were not taught this; they had no one to talk about. Society values relationships and family most of all, however, nobody teaches this. Everything should work out by itself, so I had to create my own illusion, a kind of mosaic that lacks the most important detail.
People with such a life mosaic try to fit in it anybody and everybody. First, he/she will be seated on the feather bed, on that very pedestal. Loved, worshiped. Later it turns out that the partner is already chained. He/she has already been billed for an enormous amount of money, an agreement has been signed and he/she has no rights. We do not even talk about rights, he/she is afraid to even breathe without permission. Any sigh or a look and that is all, the mosaic has fallen to pieces. The illusion of a perfect life and relationships, where all sorrows and anxiety disappear, will burst in a moment.
It hurts, it’s hard for a person and there’s nothing to blame him/her for.
However, instead of understanding what is happening and correcting a fatal system error, a person starts to blame. What a traitor a partner is, how he/she dared to be different. A partner is banned, and once the strength is gained a replacement should be found.
Again and again butterflies fly into the light and get into a cage, and again and again, they unseat them. And the whole meaning of this process is already forgotten, the process of idealization and unseating/depreciation becomes the real goal.
They are perfect craftsmen who weave illusions.
They are perfect craftsmen who hurt themselves.
This vicious circle can be broken by someone who has the strength to admit that it is not about a partner, a choice, or a lost sight. And not even about the mosaic, but about the foundation on which everything is built. Maybe a low-quality material was taken, or maybe there was nothing to build from and an illusion was created instead. At some point, you will have to admit that it does not make sense and it is necessary to create your own, new, working life mosaic. The reality, the life, own characteristics, alive and imperfect people have to be the foundation this time. Consider your real self, your true desires, needs, demands, anxieties and imperfections.
The question is whether you have enough strength for this? The question is whether it needs to be changed if it works anyway?
Yes, it poisons your life, but it works! Yes, it does not matter that we get a negative result again and again. There are so many ways to find excuses for the mosaic, there are so many ways to repeat the cycle one more time. Eventually, this masochism may even bring hoy, and here they are, new meanings, the process for the sake of the process. It seems that many people are so afraid of ending up in the hell that they are creating it in real life.
Who chooses to break free of a little hell? From a broken system, from a false life mosaic? Does a person have enough power to dig out what was buried at birth? And if it was blocked, for the sake of survival, even before birth? Is there any chance, is there any hope to find your real self?
