I became a participant of psychedelic therapy, Roman Pföstl’s project.
I am 22, working, studying, living in a dormitory since I was 15, no girlfriend.
For a long period it was difficult to get up in the morning, apathy, desire to be pitied and loved, I could not build relationships. Sometimes I just fell into a child, I wanted to sit in a corner and put my arms around my legs. I was very sensitive to the opinion and words of others, considering them superior.
16.11. Psychotherapy session.
Drank half a can of sbd oil an hour before diving, 20 minutes later another half can and 1.85g brewed, 1.7g eaten.
Didn’t see any visual apologies, but general state and thinking changed. I went with Roma to relax, I was uncomfortable with too much light, different thoughts in my head like „what the fuck is this?“ or just some abstract thoughts, desire to go to the toilet, cold feet.
I tried to listen to Roma and concentrate on the dive, but it was distracting, + I was afraid of my depth and even more afraid to share it with Roma. I saw episodes when I was a little 10 year old at summer camp, how it hurt me to see my mom leave, it left a serious imprint. Tried to hug myself but it was going hard. Ate another 0.8-1g. The main thing we dug up my resentment towards my mother, when I was 16, she found a young man and I repeatedly heard how they had sex, it was not pleasant for me, but I did nothing and did not do anything, but containerized aggression. I started to live independently and visit my mother only since 19. In the process of therapy and was able to re-live it all, but by stating how unpleasant it was for me. I could feel the aggression in my fists, they felt ashamed and I felt better. After the session I slept and felt much lighter.
17.11. Integration.
The following days were generally better than before the therapy.
The mood was not so sullen, inside I felt less worldly hostility.
26.11. Md-therapy session.
The effect was obvious – love for the world, openness, I am glad to see and hear everyone, I love everyone, I am very happy. Take me to the dance floor 😄.
I loved everything that was going on, high on listening to Roma and working with him. Back to my mother, I realized that she never wished me evil, her deed is bad, but I also kept silent, I forgave her. There was also envy of my father, who lives one day and kind of happy, while I try to achieve something.
I realized that I was afraid of shame, when I was 15 years old I was shamed in college, I saw this situation very well, the crowd laughed at me, since then I was afraid to show myself, afraid to be the center of attention, I closed myself off. I’ve gotten over it, confidently.
Subconsciously engaged in self-defeating my inner child. That’s why I have all sorts of neuroses. A child is a child, you do not need to demand anything from him, and his needs should be closed and love him, then life will be qualitative, the realization of this fact changed my perception.
I remembered myself in the same camp, and I was there not alone, but with my best friend and he comforted me when I was grieving for my mom, I was not myself then, and not myself now, the world is safer than sometimes my brain drew me.
A lot of stuff poured out of me, the process was going well.
After the session I slept to pleasant sounds.
27.11 Integration: discussed, consolidated.
The following days, loved and was loved by the world, mood was great. Д
even at work he was happy and was not afraid to show himself more actively.
I made one mistake a couple weeks later, I smoked pot, which I rarely do. I got anxiety, I thought I would curb this state and work through it, but I fell asleep with anxiety. The next 3 days my mood was labile, from anxiety to elation. Today is a day off re-listened to the mdma recording, the anxiety is gone, the world is friendly again, there is a good anchor! The key is to keep the focus of attention on the right things. I wake up well, it’s my choice how my day will go, I react more easily to what others say. I feel better about myself, in particular my small inner part. I realize that everything will not happen at once, but gradually my life is improving.
